Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
