dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
