Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
