You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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