i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize