Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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