I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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