Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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