Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
