Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
