I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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