Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
