You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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