The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
