So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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