I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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