I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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