They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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