I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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