She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
