what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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