She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mom said you looked used
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
