Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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