Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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