I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize