I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
soo... how was my night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
