i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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