her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
