wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
