It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
