Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
