You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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