well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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