Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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