Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
