i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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