He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
