I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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