i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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