I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
