how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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