Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
