i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
