Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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