We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
