Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
