Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Your dad touched me again.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
