my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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