Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
