May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
