question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
