Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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