Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
