Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
