Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
