the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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