tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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