I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
