When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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